Self-Doubt

So due to a few events lately, I've begun rethinking basically my entire identity.

I've been a member of the swim team (city and school) for as long as I can remember, and swimming has always been a huge part of my identity. Every summer is marked by early mornings at the pool, watching the sun rise, and carbo loads until the moon is high above us in the sky.

The team has always been my family, and I've never expected it to change.

However, recently my best-swim-friend decided she would quit the team this year for long distance track (???) and like 80% of my friends on the team have either graduated or decided they wouldn't do it this year. I was prepared for those people leaving because they knew it for a while and gave us notice, but not for this.

In the summer swim team, almost everyone that I was close with has decided to either quit or move on to year round swim, which I can't do because I don't have enough time what with my incredibly rigorous classes.

I've spent half of my life vesting my entire sense of self in this sport. I could always find the answer to "Who am I?" in the bottom of a swimming pool.

But now, if I were to ask myself that question, I wouldn't be able to answer it.

I can't spend an entire summer idle while my friends go off and do these amazing things -- some are planning 6 week trips around the world to study foreign languages, some are touring the country with their symphonies, and others are just going to practice with their teams every day.

Losing that would be like losing a part of myself.

Doing all of last season without knowing it was my last also kills me a little bit, because then it feels like it just wasn't done right.

I also feel horrible quitting, in general. I've quit piano, which was incredibly hard for me to do for similar reasons, and I don't know if this would just be too much. I'd feel terrible about myself for quitting yet another thing, because then I'd be left with nothing.

All of my friends have found their passions - from running, to singing in the choir, to playing cello, to theater. To feel like the only one who still is lost in the waves is horrible.

But, if I don't quit swim, I know this feeling will keep on haunting me. It's been present since almost last year.

I posted about this on my private Instagram account and I've received a bunch of texts from my friends asking if I'm okay since then. I love them with all my heart and I appreciate them so much but I don't know how well they can understand what I'm feeling.

To put it in terms of cliche, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Or maybe I'm just stuck beneath the water, trying to stop myself from sinking further.